"I was chain-ganged into going to the meatball marinara of toy shops, Toys R Us, for my ration of Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles."
My bestest Christmas memory is of the Transformer Scorponok, a robot that turned into a scorpion. Or, if you're feeling zen, a scorpion that turned into a robot.
When I was five in 1985 I remember M.A.S.K. being all the rage.
Action Force was semi-popular, until the Yanks renamed them G.I. Joe.
And then there were the classic Star Wars figures and vehicles which led to me making bombing runs with my pizza-sized Millennium Falcon on the rabbit.
How times change. All I want this Christmas is enough money to clear the overdraft.
But I don't get the last few fads that have flown off toy shop shelves the last few years.
Aged 11, I was chain-ganged into going to the meatball marinara of toy shops, Toys R Us with my father because my brother wanted Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles for Christmas and the store was rationing them out two per person.
The following year it was WWF wrestling figures.
Then Power Rangers.
Biker Mice From Mars.
And finally a Gameboy, with games including fat Italian plumber Mario and Tetris.
Ooh, and let's not forget the classics: Buckaroo, Mr Pop, Guess Who, Pictionary, Monopoly (Somerset edition now available), Cluedo, Etch-a-Sketch, Spirograph and, of course, Hungry Hippos and Operation.
And if this has been a bit of a boys' list, for the ladies there were: Polly Pocket, Lil Miss Make Up, Sylvanian Families, Barbie but not Cindy, Trolls, Teddy Ruxpin, Pound Puppies, Rainbow Brite and My Little Pony.
Now it's all Pokemon, High School Musical, Thomas the Tank Engine (still chuffin'), Fifi and the Flowertots, Kick-me-in-the-head Elmo, Doctor Who voice changers and Hannah Montana.
Thank God I was born in the eighties, but I wouldn't have minded some of these.
Next week: Santa Claus the Movie and other crimes.
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