Lights switch on

Like a fat, red ninja, the world’s premier binge-eating drink-driving sledge jockey is getting ready to break your bank account open like a poor man’s pinata.

Ian Mat here, being the first to wish you Merry Christmas – may you get everything your children want.

Christmas comes in just 12 weeks. But I can’t wait that long to annoy the neighbours so I switched the window lights on last night. The photo above proves it.

About the blog: HCC is not out to destroy Father Christmas or Capitalism. For that go here or here.

But neither does HCC embrace Father Christmas as a magical wish-granting entity. For that go here or here.

This column's purpose is merely to annoy and spins out of a recent grockle through a major city.

Sandwiched between Starbucks and Costa in this city was a small, green Christmas-themed shop.

Twee as a Tweenie, the inside was stuffed with trees, candles, ornaments, sculptures, decorations and festive-things-that-dance-when-nudged.

In short: the place could destroy a man's soul in 30 seconds and make him want to fashion a noose out of silver tinsel and hang himself from the highest tree.

The second scare came last week when I misread a line from Santa’s Wiki entry: “In an AP-AOL News poll, 86 per cent of Americans believe in Santa.”

(The actual line says American children, but still)

Now, like a fat, red ninja, the world’s premier binge-eating drink-driving sledge jockey is pulling on his mittens, lacing up his boots and getting ready to break your bank account open like a poor man’s piñata.

So let’s all have a happy credit-crunching-Christmas. Perhaps we can get back to the old days of celebrating by giving each other oranges and pieces of coal in our stockings.

Join my October Revolution: get up your lights and email your pictures to cheddarvalley@midsomnews.co.uk.