Santa Claus the Movie and other crimes

"Here’s what we will be watching for the 78th time come December: "The Muppet’s Christmas Carol, Yogi's First Christmas, Miracle on 34th Street, Die Hard and Gremlins"

With calls for Russell Brand and Jonathon Ross to both get the “Sachs”, HCC has found an undiscovered starlet capable of filling the impending celebrity vacuum.

Step forward assistant editor Tim "Deathproof" Lethaby.

If you’ve done the clicky on the video, you’ll remember HCC is all about bringing the bother of Christmas forward to leave December free for other things.

With one day remaining for the Glorious October Revolution of Christmas (GORC), Tim brought cheer to the offices of Mid Somerset News & Media with the official switching on of my fairy lights and dancing, singing hamster.

But on matters of crimes against celluloid, Hollywood is not above cashing in and making junk to fill our TV guides with for the festive fortnight.

Here’s what we will be watching for the 78^th time come December:

The Muppet’s Christmas Carol: Michael Caine discovers the meaning of Christmas – make a festive movie and collect annual royalties.

Jingle All The Way: Arnold Schwarzenegger. In a toy shop.

The Snowman: Animated classic. Aled Jones is still called “that kid from that cartoon”.

Yogi’s First Christmas: Sadly not his last.

Miracle on 34^th Street: Man thinks he’s Santa. A common December affliction.

Home Alone 1, 2, 3 and 4: Child neglect comedy.

Die Hard: Estranged husband and cop runs around with no shoes shooting German terrorists. The use of snow implies Christmas time.

Die Hard 2 – Die Harder: Estranged husband and cop destroys an airport full of terrorists wearing a parka jacket. More snow.

Ghostbusters: Set in Christmas time, making it a festive classic by default.

Trading Places: Starring Ghostbusters fat man and former skinny Blues Brother Dan Ackroyd.

A Christmas Carol: Miser does good, like The Apprentice.

Scrooged: Starring Ghostbusters sourpuss Bill Murray and ghosts in a heart-touching satire.

Merry Christmas, Mr Lawrence:

101 Dalmatians. White dogs with black spots, or black dogs with white spots?

How the Grinch Stole Christmas: Jim Carrey spoils Christmas, and also makes a film about the Dr Seuss character. Not as good as the Boris Karloff adaptation.

The Poseidon Adventure: Because they climb up a Christmas tree.

Gremlins: Avoid those Chinese thrift shops.

It’s A Wonderful Life: Never seen it but heard it’s OK.

White Christmas: As above.

Black Christmas: Sorority house serial killer.

The Nightmare before Christmas: Children throwing snowballs instead of throwing heads.

Santa Claus: The Movie: John Lithgow munches magic candy canes before floating in to space.

The Santa Clause: Tim Allen dons a fat suit and grows a beard.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 – Initiation: Not shown enough.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation: Chevy Chase during his funny days.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles: John Candy and Steve Martin classic.

Uncle Buck: Another Candy classic.

The Polar Express: Runs better than the Strawberry Line.

Bad Santa: Discovered it was funny to make an anti-Santa comedy.

Fred Claus: Discovered it was funny to make an anti-Santa comedy too late.

Elf: Will Ferrell stars, so avoid. Watch Iron Man instead.

Ernest Saves Christmas: They don’t make them like this anymore, fortunately.

Batman Returns: Missile-packing penguins threaten to return Gotham to the ice age.

Terry Pratchett's Hogfather: A good at an adaptation.

Lethal Weapon: I'm reliably informed it involves a gun fight with a Christmas tree in the background.

Sleepless in Seattle: Rom-com Christmas heartbreaker.

When Harry Met Sally: Another rom-com Christmas heartbreaker apparently.

Love, Actually: Another, another Rom-com Christmas heartbreaker.

Fargo: Snowy enough to be Christmas.

Star Wars Episove V: The Empire Strikes Back: Same reason.

30 Days of Night: Same reason.

Bridget Jones’ Diary: Another snowy bit.

Christmas Evil (aka Terror in Toyland, You Better Watch Out): Robbed of its rightful place on Christmas Day TV.

Silent Night, Bloody Night (aka Night of the Dark Full Moon: Nothing to do with Christmas, apart from the title.

Next: The one where a reindeer ate my mate

Transforming Mutant Ninja Rangers

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles by The Eggplant under Creative Commons Licence

"I was chain-ganged into going to the meatball marinara of toy shops, Toys R Us, for my ration of Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles."

Toys, I love 'em.

My bestest Christmas memory is of the Transformer Scorponok, a robot that turned into a scorpion. Or, if you're feeling zen, a scorpion that turned into a robot.

When I was five in 1985 I remember M.A.S.K. being all the rage.

Action Force was semi-popular, until the Yanks renamed them G.I. Joe.

And then there were the classic Star Wars figures and vehicles which led to me making bombing runs with my pizza-sized Millennium Falcon on the rabbit.

How times change. All I want this Christmas is enough money to clear the overdraft.

But I don't get the last few fads that have flown off toy shop shelves the last few years.

Aged 11, I was chain-ganged into going to the meatball marinara of toy shops, Toys R Us with my father because my brother wanted Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles for Christmas and the store was rationing them out two per person.

The following year it was WWF wrestling figures.

Then Power Rangers.

Biker Mice From Mars.

And finally a Gameboy, with games including fat Italian plumber Mario and Tetris.

Ooh, and let's not forget the classics: Buckaroo, Mr Pop, Guess Who, Pictionary, Monopoly (Somerset edition now available), Cluedo, Etch-a-Sketch, Spirograph and, of course, Hungry Hippos and Operation.

And if this has been a bit of a boys' list, for the ladies there were: Polly Pocket, Lil Miss Make Up, Sylvanian Families, Barbie but not Cindy, Trolls, Teddy Ruxpin, Pound Puppies, Rainbow Brite and My Little Pony.

Now it's all Pokemon, High School Musical, Thomas the Tank Engine (still chuffin'), Fifi and the Flowertots, Kick-me-in-the-head Elmo, Doctor Who voice changers and Hannah Montana.

Thank God I was born in the eighties, but I wouldn't have minded some of these.

Next week: Santa Claus the Movie and other crimes.

The X-mas Factor

"Like a siren’s call, Can We Fix It by Bob the Builder summoned a legion of Polish plumbers, bricklayers, chimney sweeps and a generally talented workforce to the British shores."

For a moment there, I was agreeing with Chris Moyles that this year’s X Factor winner would be called Leo.

Last year was Leon Jackson.

The year before was Leona Lewis.

Notice the pattern? Fortunately there’s no Leo in the final.

But from 1952, with Al Martino’s Here in my Heart, to 1992’s slightly warbley I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston, the Christmas number one spot in the UK chart remained respectable.

Then this happened.

So here follows a hit list of everyone who put the boot into Christmas since that fateful day and what they are up to now.

1993 – Mr Blobby by Mr Blobby: The pink-and-yellow spotted crooner now imparts daily financial forecasts via telephone to his bearded chum Noel Edmonds, who has some sort of job in a box factory.

1994 – Stay Another Day by East 17: These poster children for cap-wearing bling-slinging anorak-choking chav idols imploded when lead singer and plumber Brian Harvey claimed Ecstasy made you a better person, got fired, and ran himself over.

1995 – Earth Song by Michael Jackson.

1996 – 2 Become 1 by Spice Girls: The manufactured, massively-talented girl band officially renamed planet Earth as Spice World, demolished all cultural borders with their first single Wannabe and were hailed living saints.

1997 – Too Much by Spice Girls: Despite toppling the might Teletubbies from the top spot, things got a bit eh-oh for the fivesome.

1998 – Goodbye by Spice Girls: Indeed it was … for nine years.

1999 – I Have A Dream by Westlife: Irish boy band managed by Irish boy band manager, Louis “I Like It!” Walsh.

2000 – Can We Fix It by Bob the Builder: Like a siren’s call, this number one summoned a legion of Polish plumbers, bricklayers, chimney sweeps and a generally talented workforce to the British shores.

2001 - Somethin’ Stupid by Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman: Between the pair of them, neither could spell something.

2002 – Sound of the Underground by Girls Aloud: See the Spice Girls entry above, but think Girls Aloud instead.

2003 – Mad World by Michael Andrews and Gary Jules: The first glimmer of hope in 11 years. Was this a turning point for the Christmas number one?

2004 – Do They Know It’s Christmas by Band Aid 20: No.

2005 – That’s My Goal by Shayne Ward: Summed up by a poster on his website: “Hiay Shayne Raych here, I cant wait for Butlins 43 days now!”

2006 – A Moment Like This by Leona Lewis: The beginning of the Leo conspiracy.

2007 – When You Believe by Leon Jackson: The conspiracy thickened.

Bring back Mr Blobby.

Next week: Transforming mutant ninja rangers

Santa, where’s your CRB check?

"This wealth-distributing, beard-wearing, sleigh-driving comrade is really a dyed-in-the-wool pinko Commie."

Santa – who is this chimney-bothering sack-handling magical postman? And has he had a Criminal Records Bureau Check?

Fount of all knowledge and bastion of accuracy, Wikipedia, has several stabs at this fat enigma with a TARDIS for a bag.

In the Netherlands, the benevolent Sinterklaas is partnered with Zwarte Piet, a black Bishop-hatted staff-carrying helper who lives in Spain but catches a steamboat every mid-November.

If land is inaccessible by boat, then a bus, train or horse will do.

Austria welcomes Christkind, a blond angelic sprite.

Julemanden – The Christmas Man – is the Danish equivalent of Santa, but instead prefers to live in Greenland eating cinnamon-sugared rice pudding, topped off with a slice of butter, and is assisted by a strong dwarf called Nisse.

Some believe Santa Claus was invented by Coca Cola. They did not.

But Russia is very quiet about Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle or even just Santa.

The truth is if you lift the iron curtain on this wealth-distributing, beard-wearing, sleigh-driving, hard-working comrade – you realise he’s a dyed-in-the-wool Christmas card-carrying Commie.

***

Speaking of unoppressed free states, The Glorious October Revolution of Bringing Christmas Forward 12 Weeks ended in our household when Comrade Girlfriend took them down.

They will return.

Join my October Revolution: get your lights up and email your pictures to cheddarvalley@midsomnews.co.uk.

Next week: The X-mas Factor

Lights switch on

Like a fat, red ninja, the world’s premier binge-eating drink-driving sledge jockey is getting ready to break your bank account open like a poor man’s pinata.

Ian Mat here, being the first to wish you Merry Christmas – may you get everything your children want.

Christmas comes in just 12 weeks. But I can’t wait that long to annoy the neighbours so I switched the window lights on last night. The photo above proves it.

About the blog: HCC is not out to destroy Father Christmas or Capitalism. For that go here or here.

But neither does HCC embrace Father Christmas as a magical wish-granting entity. For that go here or here.

This column's purpose is merely to annoy and spins out of a recent grockle through a major city.

Sandwiched between Starbucks and Costa in this city was a small, green Christmas-themed shop.

Twee as a Tweenie, the inside was stuffed with trees, candles, ornaments, sculptures, decorations and festive-things-that-dance-when-nudged.

In short: the place could destroy a man's soul in 30 seconds and make him want to fashion a noose out of silver tinsel and hang himself from the highest tree.

The second scare came last week when I misread a line from Santa’s Wiki entry: “In an AP-AOL News poll, 86 per cent of Americans believe in Santa.”

(The actual line says American children, but still)

Now, like a fat, red ninja, the world’s premier binge-eating drink-driving sledge jockey is pulling on his mittens, lacing up his boots and getting ready to break your bank account open like a poor man’s piñata.

So let’s all have a happy credit-crunching-Christmas. Perhaps we can get back to the old days of celebrating by giving each other oranges and pieces of coal in our stockings.

Join my October Revolution: get up your lights and email your pictures to cheddarvalley@midsomnews.co.uk.