Santa's dark, terrible secret

Digitally manipulated hoax by unknown author

Only three weeks left to C-Day.

This week is Santa's dark, terrible secret. A mystery so sinister only grown-ups can know it.

To stop curious under-10s (maybe a little older) from reading, this blog is going to be written in code.

Parents, final warning, this post is not suitable for the young, unless you want them knowing the truth about Mr Christmas.

Here's how to read from this point on:

Click here with your mouse and keep that button pressed.

Drag the cursor slowly down the screen.

You will end up highlighting the blog text. Do this until you get to Next: Bit of a do

Congratulations: you've learnt to use a mouse. Keep going.

Keep going.

Don't stop here.

If you're reading this, you stopped too soon.

OK, Santa's dark, terrible, forbidden secret is ... he's a time-halting reindeer-levitating alien from the same planet as Mork.

Only joking. He doesn't exist!

Despite my best efforts to keep Kringle's secret secret, there are some out there who scream it from the rooftops.

Wikipedia has a section on its Father Christmas page called the Deception Controvesy, which advises us not to buckle under society's expectation of handing all credit of giving your kid/s an amazing day to a fictional fat man.

This vicar got in trouble when he dressed as the big, red dude and told five-year-olds Santa was dead.

This website says if reindeers were to pull a sleigh weighing four times the weight of Queen Elizabeth through the skies, they would need 14.3 quintillion joules of energy - each - per second - and would meet fierce wind shear.

However, this would lead to deafening sonic booms and result in them being vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

On a more serious note, an 82-year-old agent of Santa died while handing out presents at a party, leading to some awkward questions.

And apparently Dead Letters' Offices across America get swamped with undelivered mail from kids addressed to the North Pole. Zip codes, people!

To finish, a selection of my favourite dead Santa headlines found on Google:

Santa Claus' Falls Dead; Children, Seeing, Weep

DEAD MAIL KEEPS POST OFFICE BUSY; Despite a Persistent Campaign to Induce Greater Care on the Part of the Public, Undeliverable Matter Fills Many Bags Daily Efforts to Reduce Carelessness. Twelve Bags Full Daily. Santa Claus's Address Known.(A nice, terse headline)

And finally: Arkansas Girl Asks Police Here: Is Santa Dead? Learns He's Not

Next: Bit of a do