Humbug!

Photo by zzathras777 under Creative Commons Licence

Because it was Christmas

An old joke, but a good 'un. Why couldn't Mary and Joseph find anywhere to stay in Bethlehem?

See post title for punchline.

Next week - Christmas Day - will be the final edition, but don't expect much from me and we'll get along famously.

This, then, is the last full post of Here Comes Christmas.

And it couldn't have happened without: The Anti Santa Liberation Army, The Christmas Resistance Movement, Disneyland, the North Pole, Starbucks, Costa Coffee, the Tweenies, Santa Claus, Fat Ninja, pinatas, the Criminal Records Bureau, Wikipedia, the TARDIS, the Netherlands, Sinterklaas, Zwarte Piet, Austria , Christkind, Julemanden, the Danish, Greenland, rice pudding, butter, Nisse, Coca Cola, Russia, the Iron Curtain, Commies, Chris Moyles, Leon Jackson, Leona Lewis, Leo, Mr Blobby, ,East 17, Michael Jackson, Spice Girls, Westlife, Louis “I Like It!” Walsh, Bob the Builder, Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman, Girls Aloud, Michael Andrews and Gary Jules, Band Aid 20, Shayne Ward, Scorponok, M.A.S.K., Action Force, G.I. Joe, Star Wars, meatball marinara, Toys R Us, Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles, WWF, Power Rangers, Biker Mice From Mars, Gameboy, Mario, Tetris, Buckaroo, Mr Pop, Guess Who, Pictionary, Monopoly, Cluedo, Etch-a-Sketch, Spirograph, Hungry Hippos, Operation, Polly Pocket, Lil Miss Make Up, Sylvanian Families, Barbie, Cindy, Trolls, Teddy Ruxpin, Pound Puppies, Rainbow Brite, My Little Pony, Pokemon, High School Musical, Thomas the Tank Engine (still chuffin'), Fifi and the Flowertots, Elmo, Doctor Who voice changers, Hannah Montana, Tim "Deathproof" Lethaby, The Muppet’s Christmas Carol, Jingle All The Way, The Snowman, Yogi’s First Christmas, Miracle on 34th Street, Home Alone 1, 2, 3 and 4, Die Hard, Die Hard 2 – Die Harder, Ghostbusters, Trading Places, A Christmas Carol, Scrooged, Merry Christmas, Mr Lawrence, 101 Dalmatians, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Boris Karloff, The Poseidon Adventure, Gremlins, It’s A Wonderful Life, White Christmas, Black Christmas, The Nightmare before Christmas, Santa Claus: The Movie, The Santa Clause, Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 – Initiation, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, Uncle Buck, The Polar Express, Bad Santa, Fred Claus, Elf, Iron Man, Ernest Saves Christmas, Batman Returns, Terry Pratchett's Hogfather, Lethal Weapon, Sleepless in Seattle, When Harry Met Sally, Love, Actually, Fargo, Star Wars Episove V: The Empire Strikes Back, 30 Days of Night, Bridget Jones’ Diary, Christmas Evil (aka Terror in Toyland, You Better Watch Out), Silent Night, Bloody Night (aka Night of the Dark Full Moon, a 13-year-old Queen Victoria, General George Washington, a meat tree, Ronald McDonald, Pauline Fowler, Left 4 Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Dead Set, Timmy Mallet, Robert Kilroy-Silk, Hennessy's limited edition cognac, Flawless, Cristal Rose Champagne, brown sugar, angostura bitters, a Cheeky Vimto, Haribo sweet ring, Atheists, The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (may his noodly appendage touch you), and a lot of other nonsense I can't be asked to source.

Finally, let us bow our heads, empty our minds and join together on December 25 to wish a very happy birthday to Father Christmas.

Until next year ... and HERE COMES CHRISTMAS 2: Son of Christmas.

Bit of a do ... and the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Photo by Johnbullas under Creative Commons Licence

Staring at the tubes of Anusol and Glemoroids in Boots got me thinking about deity worship the other day. No, I don't know why, either.

This reminded me of an internet phenomenon suited to pleasing put-out Atheists at Christmas.

Three years ago The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was born, crediting an invisible meatball-and-pasta bodied creature with creating the universe after heavily drinking.

The number of Pastafarians, or Spagnostics, in the world grows daily. They believe global warming increases in line with decreasing numbers of pirates, thought to be pioneers of peace.

May his noodly appendage touch you.

*

I expect we are all gearing up to our office Christmas parties.

A few years ago, reproduction giant Canon did a survey and found that emergency call-outs went through the roof to repair Christmas party-damaged photocopiers.

Aside from some embarrassing paper jams, engineers found a sleeping cat, a snake, a cheque for £6,000, a condom and even a sausage roll blocking copier chutes. What a party!

The office party is thought to date back to the hedonistic Roman times where they ate "without scruple".

Legendary parties have seen the West Wing of America's White House burn down while President Herbert Hoover smoked a cigar.

Good times!

Santa's dark, terrible secret

Digitally manipulated hoax by unknown author

Only three weeks left to C-Day.

This week is Santa's dark, terrible secret. A mystery so sinister only grown-ups can know it.

To stop curious under-10s (maybe a little older) from reading, this blog is going to be written in code.

Parents, final warning, this post is not suitable for the young, unless you want them knowing the truth about Mr Christmas.

Here's how to read from this point on:

Click here with your mouse and keep that button pressed.

Drag the cursor slowly down the screen.

You will end up highlighting the blog text. Do this until you get to Next: Bit of a do

Congratulations: you've learnt to use a mouse. Keep going.

Keep going.

Don't stop here.

If you're reading this, you stopped too soon.

OK, Santa's dark, terrible, forbidden secret is ... he's a time-halting reindeer-levitating alien from the same planet as Mork.

Only joking. He doesn't exist!

Despite my best efforts to keep Kringle's secret secret, there are some out there who scream it from the rooftops.

Wikipedia has a section on its Father Christmas page called the Deception Controvesy, which advises us not to buckle under society's expectation of handing all credit of giving your kid/s an amazing day to a fictional fat man.

This vicar got in trouble when he dressed as the big, red dude and told five-year-olds Santa was dead.

This website says if reindeers were to pull a sleigh weighing four times the weight of Queen Elizabeth through the skies, they would need 14.3 quintillion joules of energy - each - per second - and would meet fierce wind shear.

However, this would lead to deafening sonic booms and result in them being vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

On a more serious note, an 82-year-old agent of Santa died while handing out presents at a party, leading to some awkward questions.

And apparently Dead Letters' Offices across America get swamped with undelivered mail from kids addressed to the North Pole. Zip codes, people!

To finish, a selection of my favourite dead Santa headlines found on Google:

Santa Claus' Falls Dead; Children, Seeing, Weep

DEAD MAIL KEEPS POST OFFICE BUSY; Despite a Persistent Campaign to Induce Greater Care on the Part of the Public, Undeliverable Matter Fills Many Bags Daily Efforts to Reduce Carelessness. Twelve Bags Full Daily. Santa Claus's Address Known.(A nice, terse headline)

And finally: Arkansas Girl Asks Police Here: Is Santa Dead? Learns He's Not

Next: Bit of a do